Rock Hard
As some of you may be aware recently Nick has been asked to write an article for 'Rock Hard' magazine in France, due to an agreement with the magazine we were unable to publish it on the website until now. So finally here it is!
Rock stars are always smaller in real life!
Have you ever gazed at pictures of your favorite rock star, and wondered with glazed eyes, what would your life be like if you had a huge yacht moored in Miami? If you had a bank account the size of Jersey?, If you had a Ferrari Diablo- just for going to the pub in? If you had girls chasing you like flies round shit??
I too still have these dreams, and I have being doing exactly what I wanted to do for a career for the last 13 years, the line between rock star and rock performer is a vast unchartered sea strewn with fantasy and fiction. If you are lucky/unlucky enough to get your face in a rock magazine, people change the way they view you, they presume you have turned into an instant asshole, someone with more cash than sense, someone you wouldn't want to know..
To presume that musicians enjoy a glamorous lifestyle, or have turned into total wankers on the strength of being in a mag, is absurd. I for example have been called an "asshole", "wanker" and "rock star" long before I enjoyed any success with my band, only one of those is incorrect, and it's "rock star"!!
Rock stars do not attend supermarkets, unless they are opening them - in some embarrassing fumbling ceremony, they are not expected to queue for 25 minutes while their frozen goods defrost, and then have to put 2 tins of soup back 'cause they have run out of cash...this has happened to me several times whilst I have been a professional artiste... How many times have you seen Elton John moaning about "he didn't ask for gherkin" on his Big Mac, then trying to find a table and tripping over a cocky little 7 year old shit, whilst getting menacing looks from a silverback gorilla, covered in appalling tattoos, disguised as some kind of parent?? This has happened to me several times whilst I have been a professional artiste...And how many times have you seen Ricky Martin give some twat the finger cause he didn't indicate, only to be then followed for several miles, terrified, having to resort to driving to a local police station in fear of his life, just to shake the bastards off??? This has happened to me once whilst I have been a professional artiste...(actually it probably HAS happened to Ricky, who wouldn't want to put the fear of god into that guy just to wipe that cheesy grin off his face?..hehheh..And just HOW does he get such a flat stomach, I must ask him next time I go to one of his garden parties in Buenos Aires, or wherever he pretends to come from! (Everyone knows he's from Stoke-On-Trent in the UK really!!)
When slouched in front of a stinking urinal, could you ever imagine "the artiste formerly known as" attempting to make a direct hit on a blue toilet cube-with a jet of piss any other colour than a shade of perfect pale yellow? Could he reach the tray? This has happened to me on thousands of occasions whilst being a professional artiste, and yes I hit the tray and everyone next to me...
So what am I rambling on about, I'll be fucked if I know. I'm off now to WALK yes WALK to pick up my kid from school, and no I don't have a limo or a driver called "Willis". I am not having caviar tonight or any other such luxury, just what exactly are truffles anyway? and yes! I'm sure my Nike trainers didn't cost as much as Bono's fur lined lizard skinned pixie boots, anyway I'm far too tall to be a real rock star they're all fucking midgets...
That's all if you don't like it, try it for yourself (remember people over 5'5" need not apply).
nick<><><>
