What a super Christmas, I spent £35 on a tree only to watch the bastard die before my very eyes. It is said that it is better to give than receive; I can confirm that this statement is incorrect! All I have done over Xmas is give- HI-Fis, Barbie airplanes, lager, socks, etc. All I received is a cheap IKEA kitchen knife, I only had to cut one tomato in half and it was blunt!
Sigh, Xmas certainly seemed more fun when I was a kid. Now it's just endless hours sat on an uncomfortable chair, miniature bottle of cheap French lager in hand, one eye watching granny eat a hot potato with false teeth! (Actually this is a lie, she died fucking years ago, It just made me giggle!) and the other watching Dick Van Dyke in some shit film that was made in the 70s..
"Ah but Christmas is for kids" I hear you say? You're right, because as an adult I can see absolutely no benefit from it whatsoever. We are constantly barraged with advertisements to spend cash we don't have, and then offered help to get out of debt, thats all xmas is!.. an excuse for fat bald bastards in fitted suits to make more profit.
And, like the fools we are, we fall for it year after year, getting stressed, getting bald, over what? The last fucking shrek DVD in the shop? Who would want to stand in a queue for more than 30 seconds? Oh yeah-girls! Girls like shopping, men like girls....blah blah...I'd prefer to watch Shrek personally...
What the fuck has buying a playstation 2 on a specific date - other than on ones individual birthday got to do with the birth of Christ???, I'm sure he wouldn't have approved- had he existed,! And what is all this January sale crap? Why must I buy a gift for full price on December 20th, only to witness a massive price reduction on the 1st January?
And I know what your thinking..whats a millionaire! (Haha!) rock star (Haha) whinging on about spending a few more pounds .. well I heard a story that Phil Collins, at a hotel he was staying in, refused point blank to pay for a club sandwich that cost £12. So if he can complain, so can I! He's got more cash than I've got empty "bierre du merde" bottles in a black bin bag in my back yard!...
I had a considerably better New Year celebration. My wife thought it would be nice for me to sit in a room full of people I didn't know, and choose between getting drunk or making sure my 1 year old kid didn't incinerate on a real log fire! It was a tough decision, but the latter got the better of me, the thought of running round a room full of knobheads, pissed, while clutching a baby with its head on fire didn't really seem an option. Or indeed fitting to celebrate another year since the birth (or is it death? im fucked if I know.). Of our lord Jesus of Nazareth..
Still I'm lucky, my birthday falls on the 7th January. So more presents for me then? Well what happens if you double nothing?....Still I don't want to sound too negative. oops too late!
Santa is a myth invented by sad bastards like me to make their children think life is better than it really is! The only thing that comes down my chimney is wind!
I AM santa-and I have a heavy sack! Happy New Year! Bah Humbug!!!!
P.S - I've just found out that my birthday falls on the same date as Bernard Sumner, the lead singer from New Order..Well that's improved things for the future then..